problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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