remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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