I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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