A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I believe in your delicious
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
