Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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