Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
