that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
