Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
