thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
