i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
