I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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