Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
