do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
