Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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