Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
