you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
