Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
