Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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