Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
