I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
