Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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