did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
