Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
