I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
