you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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