I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
