Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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