I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
