6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
