My liver just broke up with me...
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
