my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
