But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
