she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
