tell your sister to shave her snatch
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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