Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
