I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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