i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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