4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
