I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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