Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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