I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
