the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
