my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
