Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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