I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
