I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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