We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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