my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
