you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
