I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
