i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
