Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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