new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
