I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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