I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
