I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
