im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
