turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
