i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
